In this edition, Joe shares:
Why FAFO parenting is sparking massive debate
Dr. Lara Pence’s view on discipline
How resilience grows through friction
Joe here, writing this week from Greece, where on the flight over I read a Wall Street Journal piece on “FAFO parenting” that nailed what I’ve been saying for years: kids don’t grow from comfort, they grow from consequences.
One mom in the article threw her 13 year-old into a pond after he pushed things too far with a water pistol. Another made her kids walk home in the rain when they forgot jackets. You don’t like dinner, Timmy? Goodnight pal, wait until the morning to eat.
When I was sixteen, I ran a pool business in Queens. My alarm went off before dawn. I hauled pipes, dug trenches, cleaned filters, and still made it to school. Nobody checked if I was tired. Nobody bailed me out when I screwed up. That’s where my grit comes from: doing the hard work, taking the hits, learning fast, and moving on without crying about it.
Dr. Lara Pence, Spartan’s Chief Mind Doc, says this is exactly how we build capable humans: “Teaching your children to tolerate distress requires clear boundaries and firm NOs.” Basically, when kids hit those limits and see they can recover, they build confidence that lasts.
I see this at our races every weekend. One kid stares up at a wall, fails, and comes back again until they get over it. The look on their face at the end is pure pride. Then there’s the parent lifting their kid over every wall. Sure, the photo looks nice, and there’s some bonding going on, but that kid leaves relatively unchanged. One moment forged a little more lifelong grit, the other did… not much.
The WSJ piece includes critics who say FAFO parenting risks harm. And yes, discipline without connection is a mistake, and there’s never a place for violence or harassment. But Lara’s point stands: saying no with clarity and consistency isn’t cruel. It’s love in action. It builds trust, structure, and emotional strength.
"Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds.”
– Plato
Look at history. Kids used to walk miles to school, work outside, and do jobs for a few bucks before they could drive. They adapted. That constant exposure to challenge shaped resilient adults. Now, in our rush to cushion everything, we’ve stripped away all the proving grounds.
This week, pick one spot where you’ve padded too much. Your kid’s chores, or if you don’t have a kid - a teammate’s accountability. Examine your own excuses. Set a new line in the sand. Let the lesson happen.
We don’t build Spartans by carrying them through the fire, but by letting them walk through it, knowing we’ll be there when they come out stronger.
Hurry up, Joe
You Ask, Joe Answers
Q: "How do I stop rescuing my kid without feeling bad?” — Andrea M.
A: "You gotta have the guts to step back on the little things. Missed homework or forgotten cleats. Let them trip up while you watch close by. That’s how they learn to recover, and that’s how grit gets built. You’ll feel way worse if they grow up without it." — Joe
